Finding God in Her Life

My God is Missing.
“Dear God,”
“Someone said to me to write to you, instead of searching everywhere.. My words may reach you if I m not constrained in my self-expression…”
“Firstly, I have got a confession to make.”
“When I was a little girl, I used to worship you out of fear. Wise people told me I will be sinful if I don’t, and my punishment would be in this world and hereafter”.
“They said, hell is for nonfollowers and heaven is for worshippers. They divided us.. I didn’t like it, but I stayed quiet and submissive. Because they said, questioning is also a sin”.
“Tell me, God, has any relationship of love ever worked, that’s founded on fear?”
“Then I grew up. Somehow it worked out this way that whenever I needed something, I prayed, and my prayer was granted…and whatever the hurdle was, it was removed from my path.. so, I stayed obedient”.
“My relationship with you was transactional. I was in an inauthentic game, that had me win when I worshipped, and lose when I didn’t.. It’s an easy game because I could always repent, You are the most Forgiving”.
“I don’t know if the strings of this game were in Your hand or the Devils”.
“Tell me God, has any relationship of love ever worked out that’s founded on transactions?”.
“Then, one day I grew up again. My inauthenticity struck me so hard, I fell right on my face. Like a blind fool, with no one to hold my hand, I took whichever direction. I quit worshipping. And I was filled with questions.”
“I have gone far from You. Maybe You don’t love me any or maybe I don’t love myself anymore. Maybe I m just broken and fallen”.
“As a little girl, I used to picture you as an old wise man with a white aura. Nobody had told me what you look like, but somehow this was the picture of you in my memory”.
“I know now, that You are formless. All this time, I was constrained by many frames handed down to me.”
“My God, my heart is seeking You. It wants to feel Your presence, beyond all Physical Forms”.
“When I gaze upon the Stars, I want Your light in my heart.. When I gaze upon the Flower, I need Your beauty to descend on me, when I meet other fellow beings, I need Your kindness to touch my soul”.
“I m reaching out to You, in hope, but I expect nothing. Because expecting is being entitled”.
“I know, my search is my journey. If I don’t find You, this is how it was meant to end”.
“A Believer”

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